When the weekend rolls around, many of us take the opportunity to rest, relax, and recharge for the coming week. Emily does no such thing. A veritable fire-being of success and personal drive, she not only engages in all of her regular weekday activities -- running at odd hours, jumping on things, looking at things, eating, napping, posing for photos, drinking water out of the tub when no one is looking, trying to get into closets, wondering what closets are, etc. -- but also finds time to do something extra: cleaning. This impeccably groomed kitty takes some extra time out of her already packed schedule (see above) to clean herself with even more care than usual. Weekday groomings are, by necessity, cursory affairs. When there is always something else to get to, who has the time to do a full grooming? No one, that's who. So, when Saturday (aka Caturday) rolls around, Emily's first order of business is a full cleaning. Here, captured for the first time in slow motion, is her technique for cleaning her side: "The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver."
Emily extends her tongue to its full length, flips it downwards so that it can connect with her fur at the proper angle to both clean and shape the fur. She the repeats "The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver" but pauses ever so slightly so that she can strike with surgical precision. The last pockets of grime and riffled fur are no match for her abilities. With this task accomplished the world is her oyster, and her silken locks are ready for a glamour shot.
The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver:
Every cat has her quest. The one goal that lights the competitive fire deep within her tiny body. For Emily, as for many of her feline compatriots, that quest is "The Search for the Perfect Perch." In this installment of Fast Friday, we see her try out not one but TWO potential spots both vying for the title of Best Perch Ever. Neither quite fills the bill, but both had their share of admirable qualities.
Emily has been systematic in her investigation. Like the great detectives of old, she approaches her mission gravely, marshaling all of her formidable brain power. First, she has divided her world into categories and devotes her time to examining each in turn. She has: Floor, Elevated, Item, and Soft. Today she investigated two distinct spots: Floor, Area-Near-but-Not-Quite-Directly-In-Front-of-the-Door-and-Kind-of-in-the-Archway; and Item, Scratchy-Thing-Made-of-Cardboard-Next-to-Sideways-Box. The final verdict is evident in the video record of her investigation, but, after an interview with the floor and item tester, here is a written summary of Emily's quasi-verbal report on the two areas:
Emily says: A perfectly serviceable spot to sit, think, look at stuff, and occasionally meow for no reason. It is centrally located, but not logically placed for any activities so as to cause the maximum amount of confusion as to why I am doing anything there. I can do literally anything while I sit in this spot and everyone will be all like, "Yo, what's up with her? or "Why is she doing that?" or "What can she see that I can't?" or "What does she know?" or "Do you thing that means a storm is coming because I heard that cats are very sensitive to barometric pressure and, like, maybe that's why she is doing that." or "Do you think it might be a full moon? I hear that cats are super sensitive to the earth's gravity or something." Final verdict, on a scale of A to 10 with three paw prints being the highest, I give this spot two whiskers. Good for sowing the seeds of confusion, but not a perfect perch.
Emily says: Well, this one was a little more what I had in mind. I can sit on it comfortable, I can do activities (aka scratch and scratch and scratch until I reach it's little cardboard devil heart!), and I can look at things. These are some of my favorite things to do. However, there are a few drawbacks. 1) If I vomit on it, it is almost impossible to clean and it will probably be thrown out like all of the paper in my big box. IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF VOMIT GUYS NO NEED TO ENACT THE NUCLEAR OPTION. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. I can't throw up on it, and that is another one my, well, I won't say favorite activities, but it is definitely one of my activities so the perfect perch has to have some vomit options. I guess I could lean over the edge of Item, Scratchy-Thing-Made-of-Cardboard-Next-to-Sideways-Box, but what am I some kind of neophyte sailor from the 1760's on choppy seas? I don't lean over things to vomit. I do it where and when I want. Ba-BAM. The final strike against this item is that cardboard is great for scratching and not actively unpleasant to sit on, but in the end, blankets, chairs, ottomans, couches -- these are all better padded perch options. Again, on a scale of 1 to 500 with 10 being the highest, I give this one 5 paw prints. Better than Floor, Area-Near-but-Not-Quite-Directly-In-Front-of-the-Door-and-Kind-of-in-the-Archway but far from the perfect perch. THE HUNT CONTINUES!!!
Today is World Book Day! While Emily considers every day to be "book day" in her world, she did take extra time today to peruse the Oxford English Dictionary and, I can exclusively report, read some Calvin and Hobbes. Emily also knows World Book Day by the name "WHY DON'T I HAVE THUMBS Day." This is one of the rare occasions when Emily needs assistance to accomplish one of her goals -- someone has to turn those pages.
In today's clip, we see that Emily, known throughout the feline literary community (looking at you Sneaky Pie Brown) for her razor-like focus and exceptional powers of concentration, has her limits. When I snuck up on her reading Calvin and Hobbes, a comic strip she returns to time and time again for what she nebulously (and slightly frighteningly) terms "inspiration," she turned imperiously to face the camera. This momentary distraction did not last long, however, and soon she had happily returned to her reading, lost in the world of her cat imagination.
While she was not in the mood to be filmed earlier today, she did provide this tryptic of images, and consented to having them captioned.
Emily has been a fan of Bruce Springsteen since she was a kitten. She is usually more interested in groove-heavy blues rock, but the Boss has a certain special something that she cannot deny. His on stage athletics mirror her own house-racing ways. Today Emily rose up and "reached for the stars" (her term for getting up on her hind legs to try and reach some peanut butter). While "reaching for the stars" (again, what she calls getting up on her hind legs to try and reach some peanut butter) she also harkened back to Bruce Springsteen's 2001 hit album and song, "The Rising."
First she looks up, noticing the peanut butter. Realizing that the peanut butter was beyond her earthbound grasp, she raises slowly into the air like a towering juggernaut of cattitude "reaching for the stars" (see above) to attain her just reward. At the last minute, having tasted the sweet nectar of victory (peanut butter) she descends slowly, regally, licking her lips. Sated, this majestic house-tiger returns to her four-footed ways, content in the knowledge that no peanut butter is beyond her grasp and no goal is too lofty for her to attain. She has RISEN and tasted the thin air at the top of the world this night, and she knows that she is truly a descendent of Bastet.
Emily and The Rainbow Snake put aside their differences for a stunning display of skills this afternoon. Here is the top highlight from that encounter -- a brilliant snag (what Emily terms "The-One-Handed-Snatch-and-Claw-Grab"). It seems at first that The Rainbow Snake will escape her clutches and slither free, but, just as TRS is about to be free, Emily expertly hooks her claw in and brings her prey to its knees. A masterful display of elegance and grace by one of the worlds finest hunters.
Though many of you may not follow professional tennis, we here at the staff of My Slow Mo Cat have been keeping tabs this last week and we couldn't help but draw comparisons between this elegantly executed move and the recent fine form shown by another ageless great: Roger Federer. In his match on Saturday, Federer dialed in a dominant performance against current world No. 1 Novak Djokovic. Federer is 33, past the age when many tennis players have hung up their racquets. Emily, though she hides it well and definitely does not advertise the fact, is 14, a similarly advanced age in the feline community. Just as Federer's one-handed backhand and graceful, attacking style of play was on blistering display against Djokovic, in this clip, we see that Emily's "One-Handed-Snatch-and-Claw-Grab" is just as fast, accurate, and deadly as ever.
As discussed in previous posts, Emily spends a great deal of her time asleep. She uses this time wisely, dreaming of victory, visualizing triumph, and generally preparing herself so she can be the best version of a cat possible during her waking hours. Today, however, while Emily slumbered, her tail had other ideas. You will notice in the exclusive slow motion video footage captured by our reporter on the ground in Sleeplandia, that while Emily remains entirely still with her eyes firmly shut, her tail raises to the heavens and descends next to her. After a brief lull, it happens again. We do not yet know what the impetus for these movements was, or what their impact will be on Emily-Tail relations. Emily has not issued a statement on the incident. When asked for comment at the time she elicited only a kitty-grunt of mild annoyance at having her sleep interrupted. The tail, for its part, could not issue a statement but this was only because, as sources close to the tail stated, it "does not have a mouth." We will, of course, be keeping close tabs on this slowly developing story and have more bulletins as events warrant.
Starting a new month is always a good time to take stock. Emily has done just that. Having recently heard Taylor Swift's mega hit "Shake it off" for the first time, she has made a "New Month Resolution" -- Shake it Off. When she hears bad news, or really anything negative about the world, she just turns her head to one side and then to the other and...Shakes. It. Off.
In an effort to keep herself from constantly engaging in shake off behavior, Emily has compiled a list of things that are ideal to shake off:
1. Haters.
2. Foods that are not salmon.
3. Water. (on her body)
4. Dry Food. (with no wet food to accompany)
5. Catnip Drought. (also the name of a punk band she is thinking of starting)
6. The Rainbow Snake. (aka The Multi-Colored Devil, aka The Serpent of Sin)
7. Unexpected loud noises
8. Consistently occurring loud noises.
9. Human-caused loud noises.
10. Self-caused loud noises.
11. Really just loud noises in general.
12. The news that Scott Walker might be a viable candidate for the presidency.
13. Winter/the cold.
14. Snow. (As she calls it, "The Devil's Dandruff")
15. Those who say that Roger Federer is over the hill/will not win another Grand Slam. I mean, seriously did you see the way he handled Djokovic on Saturday!?! Come on.
16. Those who say that Gilmore Girls is anything other than one of the best TV series of all time.
17. Haters (those who are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.)
18. Fakers (those who are going to fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.)
19. The news that Scott Walker might be a viable candidate for the presidency.
20. Human affection.
21. Human touches.
22. Human snuggles.
23. Human kisses.
24. Human existence.
25. Cast Away (an affront to cinema goers worldwide)
26. Things that wake her up.
27. Any and all other negative influences.
Emily displays the proper way to shake below. As always, her majestic movements are best viewed in Slow Mo.
