Emily is know for having some, ahem, creative ways of snuggling/sleeping. She puts her feet above her head, she sleeps speedily, she sleeps slowly, she sleeps on a couch, in a box, on an ottoman, anywhere, everywhere, and every which way. But now, taking after her bat-brethren (her bathren if you will) she has experimented with sleeping UPSIDE DOWN!!! Curling her small fur-covered body tightly and swiveling her neck all the way around, she accomplishes the ultimate snuggling position. Though her time upside down is short lived (she quickly reverted to a more conventional, horizontal orientation for her body) she reports that it was "a very successful experiment" and that she "can't wait to try it again."
When asked to narrate her experience with upside down snuggling, Emily had this to say:
"You know how the skinwings (aka bats) are? They just hang there ready for lift off. Even in their sleep they can detach and flap after their insect prey. I hope that by being upside down I can see the world as they do -- the infinite possibilities that come with having a floor for a ceiling. Also, vampires are like bats right? I think I read that somewhere. Either way, I am totally into being like vampires. They are so cool. Upside down is the way to be. Upside down FOREVERRRRR!!! Okay, time to sleep like normal now."
Emily is a big fan of Shakespeare. On days like today she can be found contemplating heady questions, and pondering moral dilemmas. With the sun shining, the bed empty and inviting, and the world at her feet, Emily cogitated on the greatest question: to sleep or not to sleep. While she has yet to reach a definitive conclusion, for now she is contenting her self with pacing back and forth on the warm, soft bed and wondering in quiet kitty grunts and meows to herself what the best choice would be.
Her thoughts, as relayed to me:
To Not Sleep: Being awake can be a lot of fun. Yes, the humans are annoying and whatever, but they also play and have great food and are generally very nice/tolerable. I could also go to another room which would give me different things to look at, a box to jump into, and also other things I could sit/stand/eventually nap on if I do go to sleep.
To sleep: I am here, the bed is comfy, the sun is shining, the room is warm, I don't have anywhere to be, I don't have any obligations at the moment. My usually packed social calendar has cleared up and I do not have any pending professional deadlines.
At the time of writing no verdict has been reached, but it is suspected that the eventual decision, whatever it may be, will be met with great joy by Emily.
Yesterday, while tangling with The Rainbow Snake, Emily unleashed a rarely seen move: "The Full-Twisting-Swivel-Pivot-Strike-Zone-Defense-Strategy" of T-F-T-S-P-S-Z-D-S for short. The title of this strategy is long, but each component has a part to play in repelling the enemy. The defensive nature of this move differentiates it from many of the others we have see here at My Slow Mo Cat because the objective is not to capture and eliminate the enemy, simply drive them away. To better understand how the many disparate elements (voices) of this strategy come together to sing in a tight harmony that deter any and all hostiles, here is a point by point.
1. Full-Twisting-Swivel. To keep the opponent guessing, gripping with one claw and twisting your body around makes sure that they don't know which side of you they are going to get. The Rainbow Snake thinks that it will get Emily's unprotected back, but is faced with a whirling windmill of claws and teeth.
2. Pivot. Important to keep the turning radius to a minimum with the swiveling so that the opponent remains on the defensive. To that end, Emily digs in and uses her claw-hold as a way to move her body around. Decreasing energy use and increasing deadly effectiveness.
3. Strike-Zone-Defense. The goal of this move is to defend the "strike zone." This is also referred to as the "belly area" or "stomach." The Rainbow Snake usually tries to penetrate Emily's defenses since the stomach, though between her two claw-zones (also called danger-zones. DANGER ZONE!) it is less dangerous than attacking above the claw-zones since she can easily whip her claws up and drag The Rainbow Snake to her tooth-zone (aka mouth). Using this move to defend the strike zone, she dissuades The Rainbow Snake from thinking it has a chance even in that slightly more vulnerable area.
4. Strategy. This is more than a tactic or maneuver. This is a concerted strategy Emily has devised that marries the above listed elements, weaving them into a snare for her opponent.
Full video of "The Full-Twisting-Swivel-Pivot-Strike-Zone-Defense-Strategy"
Superheroes are everywhere. Movies, TV, computer-TV, comic books etc. It is hard to turn your head without seeing the face of one of the Avengers, or a news story about the upcoming Batman vs. Superman film. Emily, not to be left out, has begun assuming a second identity (or perhaps a third since she is the one and only Slow Mo Cat) as an enigmatic and deadly night-stalker known as The Dark Hunter. Wherever injustice lurks, there too lurks The Dark Hunter. Wait, that might have been a little unclear. The Dark Hunter is not the injustice, The Dark Hunter goes to where the injustice is (wherever it may be) and takes care of it like a hero.
Assuming an anti-poaching platform, The Dark Hunter is a vigilante figure who protects wildlife the world over from law-breaking humans with death and destruction of nature as their goal. She knows the evil that lurks in their minds, like The Shadow, she can strike with great ferocity, like Batman, and she can hide silently and spring upon her unwitting prey out of nowhere like, well, like herself. She is the bane of ivory smugglers, tiger hunters, and rare bird capturers the world over. She is The Dark Hunter. The video I present today was found in the wreckage of a poacher's camp in western Nigeria. No survivors were seen, but, shown here in stunning slow motion, is the only known footage of The Dark Hunter. Captured during the last few minutes of the camera person's life, this footage shows us little beyond the stunning beauty and deadly grace of The Dark Hunter.
Last week we covered the necessity for (and the skills required to accomplish) speed snuggles. Today, Emily demonstrates her proclivity for all things nap/sleep/rest related by showing her skills at speed sleeping. When only a few seconds are available and she needs to recharge her cat batteries (we'll just call those catteries) she swiftly initializes Speed Sleep Protocol Alpha. This sets in motion a series of events that maximize her restfulness and minimize the time necessary for her to feel refreshed.
Before any of the Speed Sleep Protocol Alpha steps can be put into action, you need to find the proper conditions. Ideally, a soft place to lie down and an ample amount of sunshine.
1. Yawn. As we know, this comes in many forms. Usually it's just a textbook yawn to get the sleep ball rolling down rest mountain.
2. Lying Down. Getting right to it. There is no time to waste so once the yawning is out of the way, it is best to just go straight to the napping.
3. Assorted Twitching. Remember, the idea is to be rested and refreshed, not dead to the world. If you descend too far into the depths of dreams, the sleep demons will claim you and you will have to fight them off to emerge and, even after you have re-opened your eyes, they will cling to your brain, fogging your thoughts and making the rest of the day as hellish as the blighted land they inhabit. No, you want to stay sharp in your slumbers and the only way to do that is to train yourself to sleep with both eyes open and maintain some small twitches even when asleep.
4. Yawn Again. The perfect way to emerge from a shallow sleep.
5. Look Around. Check your surroundings just to make sure that all is as you left it.
Optional 6th Step:
Upon realizing that nothing much is going on during your "Looking Around" you might choose to go right back to sleep turning what was a speed sleeping session into a full on nap. The choice is really yours.
When in pursuit of her goals, Emily sometimes takes extraordinary measures. She has been known to leap great distances, scale great heights, and melt even the hardest hearts. Occasionally she does something so beyond the usual that it has to be seen to be believed. Once in a great while something will come along that she desires so greatly she will extend her body's reach and become, for a few magical seconds, a Two Legged Terror.
Stretching her neck and angling her upper body while remaining perfectly balanced, she lifts effortlessly supported by only half the usual number of feet. Eyewitnesses are regularly astounded by the feat. Our reported on the ground captured these accounts:
Eyewitness #1:
"It was like watching a Zebra play tennis. I had never seen anything like it. So graceful and so unexpected."
Eyewitness #2:
"I didn't see anything man. I don't know anybody, I don't have anything, and I definitely have not been near the corner of Hemlock and Pine. Nothing to see here. I'm not even sure who Gregory F. Thompson is. Oh wait...I shouldn't have said that."
Eyewitness #3:
"I was just watching and then, all of a sudden, she was like UP THERE. Just lifted off like it was nothing. I don't know how she did it, but it was impressive."
We have brought you news of the deteriorating conditions of Emily/Tail relations for almost a month now. First, there were nap time skirmishes that went unnoticed and unanswered. Next, there was an escalation: blatant facial disturbances. Now, the tail's actions have become so egregious that Emily has been prompted to respond.
In the early hours of this morning, movements were detected in the peripheral areas of Emily's face. Her spies (aka whiskers) first sent word that something was not right. She quickly convened an ocular investigatory commission (aka opened her eyes) to ascertain what exactly was happening. It soon became apparent that the worst possible scenario was upon her: her tail was in full revolt. Acting seemingly of its own accord, it had seen fit to once again disturb her sleep. Not wanting this violation of sovereignty to continue, Emily quickly and decisively responded unleashing a two pronged attack (aka, swatted with her paws). After a brief struggle, the tail was subdued and subjected to extensive chastisement for its actions (aka she held it and licked it a lot). While a brief counterattack was attempted, it went the way of Napoleon's ill-fated return from Elba. Emily quashed the resistance and her position was reasserted.
Assured of her safety, Emily retired to her slumbers once again and the tail, suitably chastened, retreated to its usual resting place. When reached for comment, Emily stated that she "Did not want to be awake right now, I mean come one, this is prime sleeping time, what are you thinking." When pressed to discuss the events by our intrepid reporter, she said, "It ain't no thang." and curled back up to go to sleep. As always, the tail could not be reached for comment because, as sources close to the tail maintain, it does not have a mouth.
Emily often finds that, while she is luxuriating in one of her many box-fortresses, rampaging Vandals (aka The Rainbow Snake) will mount an all out arial assault on her. This has lead to her perfecting several techniques of box defense, five of which she has outlines in her latest lesson "Box Defense 101 with Professor Slow Mo Cat. The full Slow Mo Cat course on box defense, is available wherever imaginary items are sold b/c it does not exist...yet.
1. The Corner Strike. When her enemy is coming at her and has caught her by surprise, Emily knows the best option is to make a quick, but firm, response. The Corner Strike allows that. With minimal effort and little warning, Emily responds to The Rainbow Snakes initial advance with a hard-hitting, if ultimately ineffective effort. Now the attacker knows she is ready.
2. Full Strike. Now that she is wise to the attack, Emily makes a full strike. Like Roger Federer charging the net for a scintillating backhand smash put away, she holds back her paw and BLAMO a thunderous smash is heard throughout "the land" (what she calls her box) and The Rainbow Snake is fully warned that she is not a cat to be messed with.
3. Open-Mouthed-Full-Leaping-Two-Handed-Swat-Strike. With the grace of an eight footed ballerina and the ferocity of a thousand mouthed dragon, Emily emerges from her box striking with every weapon she has. The Rainbow Snake has no recourse but to succumb when, at the apex of her strike, Emily grips with her claws and, somehow maintaining her balance, brings her prey to the ground.
4. Half-Effort-Superiority-Strike. Chastened by the previous move, The Rainbow Snake tries one last time to get into the box. Emily deftly utilizes the Half-Effort-Superiority-Strike to great effect. This move is akin to the punch Ali never gave Foreman -- it lets The Rainbow Snake know just how in control Emily is, and how little chance for any comeback there is.
5. BAM! Just to make double sure that the box is safe, Emily lays the hurt on.
There are days when you wake rested, refreshed, and ready to take on the world. There are other days when you don't want to get out from under the covers. Emily is having one of the latter. Upon waking and finding that SNOW had covered the ground during the night and that the cold of winter had intruded upon spring's verdant domain, Emily decided that there was only one thing to do: go back to sleep.
Staring into the bright wintery light, she lowers herself back onto her paws, closing her eyes to the harsh snow-enhanced morning sun. Now safely ensconced in sleep once more, she dreams of warm, far away lands. We can only guess at what mystical realms she sees, but, since I know Emily is a fan of Game of Thrones, I assume they look something like the great plains of Essos with waving grass and plenty of room for a cat to roam. Perhaps in these visions, she is a Khaleesi, commanding her hoard, ruling with an iron will and a fair hand. Yes, she is a dream-queen, a dragonrider, a ruler of all the warm places that, for today at least, seem so far away.
Emily has been caught meowing in slow motion a few times. Through this technology her usual dignified meows take on the chilling quality of a tyrannosaur roar. Emily loves this. Now her "bark" as it were, matches her formidable bite.
Nestled in her box, the Tyrannosaurus Cat begins her fearsome roar. It begins as a meow, a simple every day expression of feline emotion. It soon becomes so much more. A deep rumbling fro the primordial depths. The earth's very crust shakes as she reaches back through the sands of time. The power and ferocity in her expression is now matched by the peerless aural emission she has so thrillingly produced. The elemental danger present in every decibel is compounded by her bared fangs. She is a modern day dinosaur -- a fur covered lizard queen with no rivals to her predatory dominance.
Emily is a leaping legend. She scales tall tables in a single bound, leaps across impossible chasms, and generally makes it from point A to point B in fine aeronautical fashion. Today, however, she did something that was impressive even by her high standards. She disguised her leap so thoroughly, even the most careful observer would not have known her intentions before she was in the air.
One witness provided this testimony:
"She stood, silent and staring, then, suddenly, in the blink of an eye, without any warning or indication of what she was about to do, she was up. I mean, waaaaayyyy up. She was just VOOP there."
Another gave this account:
"Well, what had happened was, she was in the box, right? Then all of a sudden WAH-BLAMO she was jumping, like, in the air and whatnot. Then she landed like nothing had happened. It was crazy. And I mean crazy. I've seen some things, man, but this was one of the most out there things I have seen. Like, I was at Woodstock and I drank the water and brother, this was wilder than when Jimi Hendrix, Joe Cocker, and Santana appeared to me in a vision as three headed lizard monsters with purple skin and started jamming in my tent."
For her part Emily was fairly tight-lipped about the whole thing:
Emily has already demonstrated that she is a snuggle master. Today, for the latest edition of Fast Friday, she busts out her rarely seen talent for Speed Snuggles. A feat best performed when maximum relaxation must be achieved in the minimum amount of time, the Speed Snuggle is the counterintuitive ability to, through sheer force of will alone, compress snuggling time without losing any snuggle quality. Emily is to this feat what the fictional Pied Piper app from Silicon Valley (returning to HBO April 12, or should I say, soon to be overshadowed on April 12th by the 5th SEASON PREMIER OF GAME OF THRONES!!!) is to the compression of data. She. Is. The. Best. Her Weissman score for snuggles is like 7.9 or something.
As today's video shows, Emily knows how to mix together all of the man components of a snuggle session: light cleaning, rubbing, unching, grasping with claws, rolling, jumping on and off things, and being perfect. With time of the essence, she quickly whips up a souffle of snuggles taking only what she needs of the various ingredients leaving none wasted. With her mission accomplished she goes on about her day, rested, relaxed, and ready for the next adventure.
To paraphrase the Bard(s), "It's a hard days night/and I've been working like a cat." Emily knows that feeling. After a night spent running around for reasons, jumping in and out of boxes, walking across couches and sleeping humans, and generally prowling her territory keeping a wether eye out for intruders and prey, she is ready for some relaxation. And boy does she know how to unwind. Unlike other type-A organisms, she does not feel the need to be go-go-going all time time to achieve her feline goals, she knows the value of a good night's sleep and the restorative power of a little meditation time.
To center herself, Emily usually finds a reasonably well-padded spot and just rubs the poop out of it with her entire body. Maybe a little bit of the side-rub, maybe some back rub, maybe a little flip-over rub, maybe even a claw-pivot rub (where she puts her claws into the padded surface and unches her body around). However she does it, her face always clearly says, "Ahhh, there's the rub." In today's video Emily shows us all how to unwind from the grind.
The Couch has long been a sovereign state. Its pillow overlord, Pillow Prime, has held monarchical sway over all proceedings within its borders. Pillow Prime's fluffy, deceptively cuddly dominance was complete. Until now. Emily, in high dudgeon, her ire at the max, took it upon herself to free this land of comfort. Out of nowhere, as The Rainbow Snake makes its nefarious way across The Couch, she springs viciously, swiping with such force that she not only catches The Rainbow Snake, but snags Pillow Prime, the ruthless ruler of The Couch. Within seconds, both The Rainbow Snake and Pillow Prime are at her mercy. Hand-talons and mouth-knives on full display, they do not stand a chance.
Now that The Couch has been freed from Pillow Prime's dastardly rule, Emily has taken up residence as the popularly elected ruler (she got 6 votes, one from every non-Pillow Prime pillow). She does not spend all of her time "in country" (her term for sleeping/standing on The Couch) she does take a great deal of time out of her busy schedule to be among her chosen people.
Emily has many moves she uses to fake out her opponents. We have covered a fair few of them here. Today's, however, is in a different league. Taking her inspiration from WWF wrestlers, where she usually employs wits, cunning, and her own brand of gracile deadliness, with this move, Emily uses the brute power of her body to bring her enemy to its knees. This is one of Emily's signature finishing moves.
When Emily needed to end her latest bout with The Rainbow Snake, she opted for "The-Four-Footed-Grab-and-Drop-Surprise-Roll." As The Rainbow Snake starts its descent, she pivots her weight and quickly goes from a quasi-sitting position to being fully on her back with her four feet (claws at the ready) thrust threateningly into the air. When The Rainbow Snake makes contact, she not only swings with her hand-talons (claws), but she also continues using her rolling momentum to pin The Rainbow Snake with her body weight. Like Hulk Hogan's Pile Driver, The Rock's The People's Elbow, Triple H's The Pedigree, or Andre the Giant's Big Slam, Emily has employed the "Four-Footed-Grab-and-Drop-Surprise-Roll" to emerge victorious.
We bring you an update: the second report in our series on Emily Tail relations. A new incident has come to light in recent hours. While Emily slumbered, unawares, her tail, acting seemingly of its own accord, saw fit to not only move around but also to land on her face! This kind of hostility has not been seen for a long time, and it is still unclear how both parties will proceed. Emily for her part was not phased by the tail's movements. It appears that she may not have even awoken when faced with the tail's surprise assault. The tail, meanwhile, when asked for comment on its actions was mute again claiming "lack of a mouth" as its reason for silence.
As the situation on the ground intensifies, we will continue to bring you up-to-the-minute reporting. As of now, both Emily and her tail are enjoying more rest, and tensions, though running high, are not worsening. We are pleased to announce that we can bring you EXCLUSIVE slow motion video of this second infraction by the tail on the sovereign territory of Emily's head. At the time of writing it is unclear if further aggression will occur. Rest assured that if it does, the intrepid reporting team at My Slow Mo Cat will be present to bring you the latest.
It began like any other Sunday. Then, in the blink of an eye, it was transformed. Emily Dickinson (aka The Slow Mo Cat) took this day in her usually dainty pawns and molded it in her own image into a day that will be remembered in history as The Day of the Jump.
Emily has been a fan of the Rolling Stones for her entire life. Blues rock has always spoken to her feline soul and the Stones are her #1. So it is fitting that, in creating The Day of the Jump, her inspiration was these now aging rock gods. After scaling the table, a regular activity, Emily decided that, when it came time to descend, she would not use any objects for assistance. She would spring straight from the table to the floor. With the grace of Mick Jagger, the rebellious pirate spirit of Keith Richards, and the effortless panache of Charlie Watts she leaps with ease, her paws perfectly poised together for her landing. A stylish jump that took an ordinary Sunday and made it something special. All in a days work for a Slow Mo Cat.
Emily and her nemesis meet often. Sometimes, though, their battles are a little more epic than usual. Such was the case earlier today when they found themselves facing off against each other, unexpectedly, in a skermish that is already being referred t by military scholars as The Victory at High Noon. I give you one guess who came out on top.
The hard floors and the element of surprise initially gave The Rainbow Snake the upper hand. It slithered stealthily past Emily almost unnoticed. As soon as its nefarious movements caught her eye, with a shake of her head, she began tracking it. On its second pass, she took to the air, all four paws momentarily elevated as she Power Pounced. Landing commandingly on The Rainbow snake, she claimed another fitting victory.
But what was her inspiration (other than fighting evil) you might ask? Excellent question. Her inspiration, in this instance, was her "pump up song," "Bad Girls" by K-Pop sensation, Lee Hyori. Not just any version though, an ultra tough live version pulsating with all of the ruthless energy or her tiny feline frame. For the first time here at My Slow Mo Cat, we have included music with today's video. So you can come as close to being inside Emily's head as possible we have included the soundtrack to her triumph for your viewing pleasure.
Cats seek out fun. And, due to their resourceful natures, they can often find it in even the unlikeliest of places. As we saw in The Pounce Heard 'Round the World Emily is a big fan of boxes. In this edition of Fast Friday, Emily demonstrates some of the many enjoyable activities she can engage in with just a box. She does all four in turn in an attempt to see if one is more fun than the others. Here are her full unedited descriptions of the activities, video coverage of the entire investigation included.
1. Sitting in the Box.
Emily's Notes: I know it doesn't sound that exciting, but sitting in a box is a rare joy. The cardboard provides a slight cushion and the vantage point is unbeatable. You can be peeking out over the edge of the box while still sitting all the way upright. I mean, how many places in the world can you sit and have your body mostly hidden from view? Unless you are a TV News anchor, not many. I guess it also helps that I'm, like, a foot and a half tall. Whatever. Point is, it's great and you should try it.
Verdict: Lots of fun.
2. Rubbing on the Box-Flaps.
Emily's Notes: Oh. My. God. Have you ever done this? Because if you haven't you basically haven't lived. It is the perfect combination of face-scratching and scent application. The texture of the box flaps is just rouch enough to be a pleasant scratch but not so rough that it is uncomfortable and, as an added benefit, by the time I am done, the whole box smells like me. Which makes sense, since it is my box. Sense. Since. Scents? Hmmm........
Verdict: Lots of fun with the added bonus of getting a "scent task" (as I call them) accomplished.
3. Looking at a Box Flap.
Emily's Notes: These. Things. Are. Fascinating. Have you ever looked at one of them? I mean, really looked at one. No, I have not been "getting into the catnip" please, if I wanted to toss the devil's lettuce, I would do that and not be here talking to you. I would be all like, "MEEEEOOOOWWWWWW, EFFING MEOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!" Anyway, getting back to the point. Looking at the box flaps is unexpectedly rewarding. The neutral color is very calming and easy to zone out to. A good way to decompress. This activity can also be coupled with #1 "Sitting in the Box" for a doubly enjoyable experience.
Verdict: Calming. Multi-functional.
4. Crouching Down Low so No One Knows You are In the Box.
Emily's Notes: This is so much fun. I can't even begin to tell you how fun this is. It is like you know a secret no one else knows and that secret is that you are in the box. People will walk by and be like "Emily, beautiful girl, where are you?" and they will just keep on walking and you'll be all like "I know exactly where I am!" but obviously don't say that or they'll know where you are. Being crouched low also is the perfect position to turn into a big jump so you can either leave the box at a moment's notice or spring out an an unsuspecting passerby. The perfect combination of restful, devious, and secretive.
Verdict: This one. Definitely this one.
Full video of all four activities. Don't blink or you might miss one!
We have covered yawns here before. From The Yawn, to #SideYawn, to The Yawn of Disapproval, My Slow Mo Cat has been your source for cutting edge, breaking Cat Yawn Coverage. However, today we bring you something truly special. Captured for the first time in its complete and awe inspiring glory, it is, The Best Kitty Yawn Ever. Yes, this is it. The yawn to end all yawns. If this was Lord of the Rings it would be the One Yawn to Rule Them All. If it was Harry Potter, it would be the Yawn who Lived (or maybe the Chosen Yawn? The Elder Yawn?). If this was dinosaurs, this would be Sue: The Largest Most Complete Yawn.
As a result of this exclusive footage, we can disclose for the first time, the stages of the ideal kitty yawn.
1. Preparation. Where it all begins. Emily is awakened by a noise in the other room and must ger herself ready to face whatever may come. There is no better way to do that than a good old fashioned yawn.
2. Mouth Opening. First just a little bit and then more and more until it is at full, terrifying stretch displaying her impressive canines to any who might want to "start something" or "mess with her kitty s***."
3. Whiskers Forward. With her mouth fully open, there is basically nowhere else for them to go. She thrusts them forward at full stretch getting the most out of the yawn that she can. This kind of commitment means that she is getting more facial muscle stretching out of her yawn, always a plus.
4. Ears Back. To really work in the top of her head, Emily includes ear movements in her yawn. As she thrusts her face forward, mouth open, whiskers whiskering, she also plants her ears firmly back against her head. This loosens the ear muscle base and will give her greater range of motion later in the day.
5. Eyebrows. For some unknown reason the muscles that are underneath of where her eyebrows would be if she had them (well, I guess those whiskers up there count as eyebrows, right? I mean, they look like eyebrows, but I am not sure if that is what I am supposed to call them. Is there a name for those things? Like, an official scientific name? Let me know.) start to wiggle at this point. Then they move up to try and meet her ears. They don't get there, but boy do they try.
6. Finish. With a full head stretch complete, Emily returns to the position she occupied when this whole majestic interlude began. Her gaping maw closes, her ears perk back up and her eyebrows/eyebrow muscles return to their normal areas.
7. Lip Licking. No good yawn is complete without it. I mean, how else are you going to know for sure that the yawn is over?
Complete Slow Mo Video of the Best Kitty Yawn Ever:
Emily loves her boxes. She likes them sideways, upside down, straight up, with paper in them, without paper in them -- basically if it is a box, she wants something to do with it. She can regularly be found hanging out in one of the two local boxes: "The Baker's Box" and "The Big Box." The Baker's Box is located at "street level," what she calls it when the box is on it's side, and is the perfect hiding/hanging/playing place. The Big Box, is an entirely different story. The Big Box is a high rise, Emily's term for a box whose opening points straight up. This is a box better suited to napping/resting. To get into and out of The Big Box she must not only leap over the side of the box but also the box-top-flaps.
As a supremely agile "coiled spring of liquid muscle, " (her words, not mine, but hey, it's not like I disagree) she is more than equal to the task. Just today, after enjoying a nap in The Big Box, she sat up, looking regally over the edge and noticed that there was something moving on the ground across the room. This kind of realization could be dealt with in two ways. 1) "Oh, isn't that something that is happening. I wonder what that is. Hmm. Fascinating. I think I will go back to sleep now." 2) "WHAT IS THAT!?! What is it doing in my territory? Oh, this is the last straw. Alright, I'm coming over there and so help me if it is an ant or a centipede or a mouse or, well, if it is anything that is not only the pre-approved animal guest list (spoiler alert, that is just me and the humans) then it is getting taken down. Boom! Pouncing time." As you probably guessed, Emily is not the kind of cat to go back to sleep once something has aroused her suspicions. She launches herself out of the box easily clearing both box top and box flappy thing to land on the floor, ready to investigate. If ever there was an event best viewed in Slow Mo, this is it.
Emily and tables go way back. Ever since she was a kitten she has sought to attain their rarified heights. Viewing every "food platform" (as she calls them) as a personal challenge, she leaps to this day with reckless abandon onto their exalted surfaces. The desire to sit atop a lofty perch is not enough. In moving herself onto the table, Emily does more than jump, she soars. And, in soaring she undergoes a transformation.
Gliding effortlessly from the floor to the table, she cuts an elegant figure. In this movement, if you squint your eyes while she is in mid-flight, you might even see, not a member of genus felidae, but of genus accipitridae borne aloft not by a push, but by enormous wings. The boundaries between species dissolve as this apex predator of the land briefly takes to the skies, her claws suddenly transformed into talons, her legs, no longer those of a cat, but of an ancient airborne predator. Like the four-winged dinosaurs of old, she glides just above the surface of her landing spot, and for a moment she slips the bonds of evolutionary reality and the observer's mind is left to wonder: What is this fearsome avian mammal? What evolutionary side road from the biological superhighway of genetic progress lead to this beautiful animal? How, with a mere leap, could a creature that was so clearly a cat become something so much more?
Then, as she lands, the spell is broken, but the ferocity of the eagle, and of all animals, past and present, that have taken to the air, still burns in her eyes as she looks down from her place on high. Yes, it is enough to make any sane person wonder, am I living with a cat, or a majestic sea-eagle...
Mondays. Garfield hates them. Many of us find no joy in the beginning of the work week. Emily, when faced with the prospect of waking up 52 times a year to a day she did not have fond feelings for did what she always does, found a way to enjoy. Her experimentation process rivaled those of the great scientists of old. Galileo, Newton, Copernicus, Pasteur, Curie, they all served as her inspiration. She tested one idea after another. She was always careful to follow the scientific method closely and kept a mental log of her results. Here are some of her findings, as dictated:
1. Running around the house for no particular reason.
Notes: Gets the blood going, but is ultimately tiring and does not distract from the fact it is Monday. Not worth it/uninteresting.
2. Sitting alertly and watching ghost bugs on the wall.
Notes: Highly amusing. I am entertained both by the activity itself and by the consternation it causes any humans who witness me at it. The are all like, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT" "Your eyes are so big and pretty." or "Is there a bug on the wall!?!" Of course there isn't, I'm just looking around like there is. Jeez. Well, it's fun, but it does not take the sting out of Monday.
3. Lying around.
Notes: I do this everyday. It's great. I love it. Not gonna cure my case of the Mondays. But then again, I don't know why I think I am the one best qualified to deal with this. What am I a doctor of days? Why can't someone else deal with this. I want to nap.
4. Jumping on tables.
Notes: Again, fun, but I do this every day. Not going to help.
5. Special Sleep Action
Notes. Boom! Nailed it! After months of careful investigation and experimentation I have stumbled upon something truly special. Something that will revolutionize my Mondays and hopefully make life on EARTH better. I call it "The-Shaky-Leg-Stretch-and-Curl" First you curl up in a ball with your feet flat against the top of your head. I don't care if you "aren't that bendy" because you are "human" or whatever, DO IT! Then you stick your legs out, like, straight out, like, UGH why are you so bad at this!?! Just, *sigh* okay watch me do it. So you stick your legs straight out and then shake them. Just totally wild and weird and shaky. Then take your arm. Wrap it around your head. JUST WATCH ME DO IT, YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN'T OR DON'T WANT TO OR SOMETHING SO JUST STOP TRYING AND WATCH! Okay. Where was I? Right, so you wrap your arm around your head, like, all the way around it, and then curl your head under it and put it by your legs which are now back to being totally straight out and then you just go to sleep. Yeesh, was that so hard?
Full video of "The-Shaky-Leg-Stretch-and-Curl" in Slow Mo:
You don't need me to tell you that Emily Dickinson (aka The Slow Mo Cat) is a fearsome hunter. She has proven her predatory prowess time and again and, as we all know, actions speak louder than words. However, her latest feat of athletic sorcery deserves note.
Off the southern coast of Africa, there are great white sharks. But these are no ordinary great white sharks, these great white sharks are known for a certain behavior. Not content to merely gab onto their prey, these virile "death tubes of the deep" come blasting up from below with such force they propel themselves fully out of the water. Grasping a prey item in their gaping maw, these sharks then descends again to the watery depths readying themselves for the next strike.
Recently, The Rainbow Snake got too audacious with its wiggling. Emily, in desperate need of a new tactic to put it back in its proper place unleashed an attack worth of those leaping sharks. As The Rainbow Snake came flying downward across the couch (aka Ektorp) Emily hunched down readying herself to spring. Just as a shark dives into the inky black abyss before speeding upwards towards the light to claim its prey, Emily slung her body low, her every muscle tensing in anticipation. As The Rainbow Snake came within striking range, she unleashed the full fury of her feline frame, blasting her body upwards from her floor-ocean into the couch-air with her hand-talons (claws) and mouth-knives (teeth) on full display. But Emily was not going to leave it there. She had displayed her superiority, but that would be like a great white that grabs its prey, she was in full on JUMP SHARK MODE. So she grabbed The Rainbow Snake and pulled it towards her. The Rainbow Snake manages a Houdini-like escape, but not before it leans the hard way not to mess with Emily.
When the weekend rolls around, many of us take the opportunity to rest, relax, and recharge for the coming week. Emily does no such thing. A veritable fire-being of success and personal drive, she not only engages in all of her regular weekday activities -- running at odd hours, jumping on things, looking at things, eating, napping, posing for photos, drinking water out of the tub when no one is looking, trying to get into closets, wondering what closets are, etc. -- but also finds time to do something extra: cleaning. This impeccably groomed kitty takes some extra time out of her already packed schedule (see above) to clean herself with even more care than usual. Weekday groomings are, by necessity, cursory affairs. When there is always something else to get to, who has the time to do a full grooming? No one, that's who. So, when Saturday (aka Caturday) rolls around, Emily's first order of business is a full cleaning. Here, captured for the first time in slow motion, is her technique for cleaning her side: "The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver."
Emily extends her tongue to its full length, flips it downwards so that it can connect with her fur at the proper angle to both clean and shape the fur. She the repeats "The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver" but pauses ever so slightly so that she can strike with surgical precision. The last pockets of grime and riffled fur are no match for her abilities. With this task accomplished the world is her oyster, and her silken locks are ready for a glamour shot.
The Full-Tongue-Extension-Side-Executive-Cleaning-Maneuver:
Every cat has her quest. The one goal that lights the competitive fire deep within her tiny body. For Emily, as for many of her feline compatriots, that quest is "The Search for the Perfect Perch." In this installment of Fast Friday, we see her try out not one but TWO potential spots both vying for the title of Best Perch Ever. Neither quite fills the bill, but both had their share of admirable qualities.
Emily has been systematic in her investigation. Like the great detectives of old, she approaches her mission gravely, marshaling all of her formidable brain power. First, she has divided her world into categories and devotes her time to examining each in turn. She has: Floor, Elevated, Item, and Soft. Today she investigated two distinct spots: Floor, Area-Near-but-Not-Quite-Directly-In-Front-of-the-Door-and-Kind-of-in-the-Archway; and Item, Scratchy-Thing-Made-of-Cardboard-Next-to-Sideways-Box. The final verdict is evident in the video record of her investigation, but, after an interview with the floor and item tester, here is a written summary of Emily's quasi-verbal report on the two areas:
Emily says: A perfectly serviceable spot to sit, think, look at stuff, and occasionally meow for no reason. It is centrally located, but not logically placed for any activities so as to cause the maximum amount of confusion as to why I am doing anything there. I can do literally anything while I sit in this spot and everyone will be all like, "Yo, what's up with her? or "Why is she doing that?" or "What can she see that I can't?" or "What does she know?" or "Do you thing that means a storm is coming because I heard that cats are very sensitive to barometric pressure and, like, maybe that's why she is doing that." or "Do you think it might be a full moon? I hear that cats are super sensitive to the earth's gravity or something." Final verdict, on a scale of A to 10 with three paw prints being the highest, I give this spot two whiskers. Good for sowing the seeds of confusion, but not a perfect perch.
Emily says: Well, this one was a little more what I had in mind. I can sit on it comfortable, I can do activities (aka scratch and scratch and scratch until I reach it's little cardboard devil heart!), and I can look at things. These are some of my favorite things to do. However, there are a few drawbacks. 1) If I vomit on it, it is almost impossible to clean and it will probably be thrown out like all of the paper in my big box. IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF VOMIT GUYS NO NEED TO ENACT THE NUCLEAR OPTION. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes. I can't throw up on it, and that is another one my, well, I won't say favorite activities, but it is definitely one of my activities so the perfect perch has to have some vomit options. I guess I could lean over the edge of Item, Scratchy-Thing-Made-of-Cardboard-Next-to-Sideways-Box, but what am I some kind of neophyte sailor from the 1760's on choppy seas? I don't lean over things to vomit. I do it where and when I want. Ba-BAM. The final strike against this item is that cardboard is great for scratching and not actively unpleasant to sit on, but in the end, blankets, chairs, ottomans, couches -- these are all better padded perch options. Again, on a scale of 1 to 500 with 10 being the highest, I give this one 5 paw prints. Better than Floor, Area-Near-but-Not-Quite-Directly-In-Front-of-the-Door-and-Kind-of-in-the-Archway but far from the perfect perch. THE HUNT CONTINUES!!!
Today is World Book Day! While Emily considers every day to be "book day" in her world, she did take extra time today to peruse the Oxford English Dictionary and, I can exclusively report, read some Calvin and Hobbes. Emily also knows World Book Day by the name "WHY DON'T I HAVE THUMBS Day." This is one of the rare occasions when Emily needs assistance to accomplish one of her goals -- someone has to turn those pages.
In today's clip, we see that Emily, known throughout the feline literary community (looking at you Sneaky Pie Brown) for her razor-like focus and exceptional powers of concentration, has her limits. When I snuck up on her reading Calvin and Hobbes, a comic strip she returns to time and time again for what she nebulously (and slightly frighteningly) terms "inspiration," she turned imperiously to face the camera. This momentary distraction did not last long, however, and soon she had happily returned to her reading, lost in the world of her cat imagination.
While she was not in the mood to be filmed earlier today, she did provide this tryptic of images, and consented to having them captioned.
Emily has been a fan of Bruce Springsteen since she was a kitten. She is usually more interested in groove-heavy blues rock, but the Boss has a certain special something that she cannot deny. His on stage athletics mirror her own house-racing ways. Today Emily rose up and "reached for the stars" (her term for getting up on her hind legs to try and reach some peanut butter). While "reaching for the stars" (again, what she calls getting up on her hind legs to try and reach some peanut butter) she also harkened back to Bruce Springsteen's 2001 hit album and song, "The Rising."
First she looks up, noticing the peanut butter. Realizing that the peanut butter was beyond her earthbound grasp, she raises slowly into the air like a towering juggernaut of cattitude "reaching for the stars" (see above) to attain her just reward. At the last minute, having tasted the sweet nectar of victory (peanut butter) she descends slowly, regally, licking her lips. Sated, this majestic house-tiger returns to her four-footed ways, content in the knowledge that no peanut butter is beyond her grasp and no goal is too lofty for her to attain. She has RISEN and tasted the thin air at the top of the world this night, and she knows that she is truly a descendent of Bastet.
Emily and The Rainbow Snake put aside their differences for a stunning display of skills this afternoon. Here is the top highlight from that encounter -- a brilliant snag (what Emily terms "The-One-Handed-Snatch-and-Claw-Grab"). It seems at first that The Rainbow Snake will escape her clutches and slither free, but, just as TRS is about to be free, Emily expertly hooks her claw in and brings her prey to its knees. A masterful display of elegance and grace by one of the worlds finest hunters.
Though many of you may not follow professional tennis, we here at the staff of My Slow Mo Cat have been keeping tabs this last week and we couldn't help but draw comparisons between this elegantly executed move and the recent fine form shown by another ageless great: Roger Federer. In his match on Saturday, Federer dialed in a dominant performance against current world No. 1 Novak Djokovic. Federer is 33, past the age when many tennis players have hung up their racquets. Emily, though she hides it well and definitely does not advertise the fact, is 14, a similarly advanced age in the feline community. Just as Federer's one-handed backhand and graceful, attacking style of play was on blistering display against Djokovic, in this clip, we see that Emily's "One-Handed-Snatch-and-Claw-Grab" is just as fast, accurate, and deadly as ever.
As discussed in previous posts, Emily spends a great deal of her time asleep. She uses this time wisely, dreaming of victory, visualizing triumph, and generally preparing herself so she can be the best version of a cat possible during her waking hours. Today, however, while Emily slumbered, her tail had other ideas. You will notice in the exclusive slow motion video footage captured by our reporter on the ground in Sleeplandia, that while Emily remains entirely still with her eyes firmly shut, her tail raises to the heavens and descends next to her. After a brief lull, it happens again. We do not yet know what the impetus for these movements was, or what their impact will be on Emily-Tail relations. Emily has not issued a statement on the incident. When asked for comment at the time she elicited only a kitty-grunt of mild annoyance at having her sleep interrupted. The tail, for its part, could not issue a statement but this was only because, as sources close to the tail stated, it "does not have a mouth." We will, of course, be keeping close tabs on this slowly developing story and have more bulletins as events warrant.
Starting a new month is always a good time to take stock. Emily has done just that. Having recently heard Taylor Swift's mega hit "Shake it off" for the first time, she has made a "New Month Resolution" -- Shake it Off. When she hears bad news, or really anything negative about the world, she just turns her head to one side and then to the other and...Shakes. It. Off.
In an effort to keep herself from constantly engaging in shake off behavior, Emily has compiled a list of things that are ideal to shake off:
1. Haters.
2. Foods that are not salmon.
3. Water. (on her body)
4. Dry Food. (with no wet food to accompany)
5. Catnip Drought. (also the name of a punk band she is thinking of starting)
6. The Rainbow Snake. (aka The Multi-Colored Devil, aka The Serpent of Sin)
7. Unexpected loud noises
8. Consistently occurring loud noises.
9. Human-caused loud noises.
10. Self-caused loud noises.
11. Really just loud noises in general.
12. The news that Scott Walker might be a viable candidate for the presidency.
13. Winter/the cold.
14. Snow. (As she calls it, "The Devil's Dandruff")
15. Those who say that Roger Federer is over the hill/will not win another Grand Slam. I mean, seriously did you see the way he handled Djokovic on Saturday!?! Come on.
16. Those who say that Gilmore Girls is anything other than one of the best TV series of all time.
17. Haters (those who are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.)
18. Fakers (those who are going to fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.)
19. The news that Scott Walker might be a viable candidate for the presidency.
20. Human affection.
21. Human touches.
22. Human snuggles.
23. Human kisses.
24. Human existence.
25. Cast Away (an affront to cinema goers worldwide)
26. Things that wake her up.
27. Any and all other negative influences.
Emily displays the proper way to shake below. As always, her majestic movements are best viewed in Slow Mo.
