Keeping Clean 101 with Professor Slow Mo Cat (4/7/15)

A morning routine is important. We all have those certain things we do: making tea/coffee, taking a shower, running around the house like something CRAZY is happening (okay, maybe that's just Emily aka the Slow Mo Cat). For Emily, the morning is a time to clean. No, I am not talking about taking a tiny broom in her kitty paws and going around the house sweeping up the fur she dropped yesterday though, yes, you're right that is an adorable image and would be super handy because then I would not have  to do it. I am talking about cleaning herself. Emily is a fastidious creature. While she is not afraid of a little dirt and loves to go exploring whatever the terrain/weather conditions, she also values a warm place to lay her head and a good clean coat of UNBELIEVABLY SOFT fur.

Having already informed us of how to defend our boxes, today Emily, my opalescent tree-shark, takes it upon herself to show us how she keeps clean. These are instructions for a common, everyday, cursory cleaning. This is not meant to be substituted for a full, thorough cleaning. This one will get you through the work week, on the weekend, you need a full-body shower/cleansing.

1. Get comfy. Find the fluffiest, warmest, most invitingly confortable blanket and take up residents on it. Really wiggle your butt into it and get cozy.

2. Start licking your hands and arms. This is the best place to start because these are often the dirtiest areas. They are out there doing the hard work while other parts of your body just sit around getting taken places by them. The arms are like, "I will carry you!" and the stomach is like, "okay." That's how the body moves.

3. Take one of the hands you are licking and begin passing it over your head and face. This will bring the cleaning power of your own saliva to the other area that is regularly coming into contact with the dirty, dirty world.

And presto! You're done. Ready for another day cattin' about. So you can see what this three step process looks like in person, here is the full video of Emily going through the steps:

The Dark Hunter in Repose (4/6/15)

As has already been established, poachers of the world need beware, a force for good stalks the night: The Dark Hunter. But, this hero also needs rest. Using state-of-the-art technology and finely honed detective skills, My Slow Mo Cat can exclusively reveal footage of The Dark Hunter sleeping.

The Dark Hunter is not easy to find. She (or he, but we are like 99.99999999999%/100% sure that it's a she) leaves no trace except for the scattered camps of her prey. After searching the lowlands, an expedition to higher terrain finally yielded results and her "Slumber Lair" (as she, yes we are just going to go with she, calls it). With infrared lights on the cameras and total silence imperative our reporters snuck as close as they could to where she was resting. At first all they could see was a tail, but soon a fully formed body emerged one that even in deepest rest bespoke natural power, grace and beauty. It is with the presentation of this footage that we can exclusively reveal that The Dark Hunter, bane of poachers and enemy to animal injustices everywhere does, in fact, sleep.

Full video of slumbering:

Slow Mo Cat vs. Shoes: The First Encounter (4/5/15)

There is a new menace. No sooner has Emily made peace with her rival the Tail than she was faced with a fresh threat. Shoes! It turns out that they are everywhere and, when they are not on feet, they are laced terrors, lying in wait for an unsuspecting creature to happen by. There was only one thing to be done, so the Slow Mo Cat herself took matters into her own hands/paws.

Seeing a Shoe loitering with many more of its own kind -- a veritable pediatric army -- she quickly singled it out from the herd and began her assault. First, she explores the Shoe's nefarious depths, probing with her paws. Then she goes so far as to involve her head seeing what lies within. Finally swiping with all of her hand-talons (claws) she subdues her foe with aplomb.

Sources on the ground noted that this first interaction between Slow Mo Cat and Shoe ended firmly in favor of the Slow Mo Cat, but that the Shoe put up a masterful defense and that the quickly developing situation merited close scrutiny and continued observation. We here at My Slow Mo Cat will cover this story as it unfolds bringing you the latest news on the Slow Mo Cat/Shoe relationship.

Full video of the skirmish:

Tailmageddon 4: Cessation of Hos(tail)ities (4/4/15)

Emily and her Tail have been in an escalating conflict, which has been covered in depth by My Slow Mo Cat. Our reporter on the ground documented the first signs of trouble, the first strike, and the height of the confrontation. Now, we can offer this exclusive footage of what is believed to be the final chapter in the Tailmageddon story: the cessation of hos(tail)ities, and the reconciliation of both parties.

Emily and her Tail, at odds for so long were seen in the early hours of this morning, bathed in light, wrapped in what appeared to be a warm embrace. Sources on the ground tell us that during the night, Emily and the Tail came to an understanding that their fates were inextricably linked so, rather than struggled on and on through time, an unstoppable force and an immovable object, they should come to an understanding and find a means of co-existence. As of this writing it is unknown how that agreement was reached. When asked for comment Emily said simply, "meow" and the Tail, for its part did not issue any statement with those close to the Tail again citing "lack of a mouth." This truce has been in effect less than 24 hours, but both parties are hopeful that it will last a lifetime.

EXCLUSIVE video of the reconciliation:

Fast Friday 7: Battle Royale (4/3/15)

There have been many great battles in history. The battle of Stalingrad. The battle of the Bulge. The battle of the Little Big Horn. The battle between Dumbledore and Grindelwald. Today, a great battle raged: the battle between Emily and The Rainbow Snake for dominion over The Ottoman. Our reporter on the ground captured rare time-lapse footage that encompassed the entire encounter.

As the battle begins, The Rainbow Snake launches a vicious series of arial assaults hoping to batter down Emily's defenses. Not to be outdone, Emily counters with equally deadly claw strikes, and defensive blocks. Finally grabbing the upper hand, she presses her advantage until The Rainbow Snake has no choice but to back down. Here are what three eyewitness had to say.

Eyewitness 1: I have never seen such action in my life! One second the snake thing was coming at her, the next she had grabbed it and was shaking it like crazy. I don't know how she did it. Truly amazing.

Eyewitness 2: What can I say? I think the outcome speaks for itself. Quite the display of skills on both sides, but it was pretty clear who the greater champion was.

Eyewitness 3: I didn't see anything. I don't know who told you I saw something, but that person was lying. Maybe they saw something? I don't know. All I know is snitches get stitches.


Full video of The Battle of the Ottoman:

Elasti-cat vs. The Hand (4/2/15)

Emily has revealed another secret identity: Elasti-cat. Yes, while she may look like an ordinary feline, she is, in fact, a super-kitty possessed of abilities that boggle the mind. The discovery of her talents/gifts was innocuous enough. Lounging (as she is won't to do) Emily saw a hand approaching. Not wanting to let the hand get too close for comfort, she reached out gently with her paw, extending her claws as a warning. Then, as the hand moved away, she kept her paw on it and her leg, which already seemed to be at full stretch, kept on extending. It did not stop.

The Hand was suitably freaked out by this, and a new hero was born. Capable of great feats of reaching and stretching, she stalks the night. Injustice as nowhere to run an nowhere to hide because the arm of the law just got a whole lot longer.

Full video of the Elasti-cat origins story:

A FANGtastic Nap (4/1/15)

Emily thinks it is important, even when sleeping, to keep the world well aware of her deadly capabilities. This is why, in the depths of her deepest slumbers, she has one of her majestic fangs exposed. Any unsuspecting wanderers who come across her will not only be stunned by her radiant beauty and exceptional softness, but they will also be informed that she is not a cat-dragon to be poked. After curling her body into an optimal sleeping position, Emily burns a fraction of a calorie bringing back her upper lip a fraction of an inch, exposing her incisor. Like her noble saber-toothed ancestors, she is a feline to be reckoned with. The slightest wrong movement on the part of a back woods adventurer, and she can spring into action.

It is said that long ago, in the days of Marco Polo, European explorers wandering the depths of the jungles of Asia for the first time, came across a new species of tiger. Small and seemingly innocuous, these creatures lived free and wild. The travelers, without precaution, approached them, only to find that their sweet exteriors belied a steely center comprised of raw predatory instinct. These travelers were never seen again, and those creatures lived on for many generations. It is believed that Emily is one of their direct descendants.

Full video of the Intimidation Nap: